


Just a Girl

by doodlebug_nimbus



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Alternate Character Interpretation, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Female Squall Leonhart, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Misogyny, One-Sided Attraction, References to Depression, Sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24359533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doodlebug_nimbus/pseuds/doodlebug_nimbus
Summary: Being a SeeD is one thing.Being a girl is another thing entirely.
Relationships: Rinoa Heartilly/Squall Leonhart
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Just a Girl

**Author's Note:**

> the relationship stuff is kind of complicated in this fic. you'll see what i mean when you read. if you disagree with my tagging let me know and i'll change it  
> also it's mostly rated T for some swearing.  
> hopefully you'll enjoy

It is only at night, when Squall can’t fall asleep, that she feels the most at rest. Sure, the dorm beds are uncomfortably lumpy and creaky from decades of use, while also being too tiny for teenagers, and sure, she can’t ever seem to get more than a few hours of sleep per day, but she is safe here, in her awful little bed. And that is all that matters.

She feels the scar running across the bridge of her nose. She can’t help but think it makes her look better, tougher, but then remembers the looks of disgust everyone was giving her after she got it, while no one even bothered to look at Seifer’s own. She goes back a little farther in her memories, to the moments after the scar was born. Kadowaki’s words float back into her head, and she feels sick with anger once more.

“You know, Leonhart, trying to be one of the boys isn’t going to get you anywhere. How many guys have you heard of falling for girls with short hair and big gashes on their faces?”

There were so many questions she should’ve asked, and things she should’ve mentioned (like how guys didn’t even interest her), but of course, like all mistakes, she never bothered with what should have been done. She was too stupefied—and still furious with Seifer—to respond to Kadowaki properly. And there was a good chance the doctor had used sedatives, meaning that any opportunity to speak at that time meant more chances to look like a fool. More so than she already does, she figures.

She turns over under the sheets, pretending that the bed’s moans are imaginary. On cue, a string of increasingly hateful questions flood her brain and culminate into one, bitter thought, right before weariness seizes her.

_Kadowaki’s right, I guess. Maybe I should ask for a lobotomy or something…I think I’d be happier not knowing what’s happening around me. I think I’d be happier if I just stopped existing at all. It’s not like anyone would truly care, anyway._

She should be listening to what Quistis has to say for today’s lesson, but she can’t focus. All she can think about is what people think about _her_. Ever since she got her scar, side-eyes, hushed, nervous whispers, and bewildered glances have become commonplace. It’s worse than the nothingness she received before. At least with loneliness, she had learned to accept it and even began to like it. She doubts anyone could ever learn to adapt to ostracization.

Every once in a while, she’ll try to concentrate and watch what the instructor is doing. Whenever she has to read, words devolve into thick inky tangles of meaninglessness and her mind shuts down. A few times she looks at one of her textbooks, and everything on the opened pages lives as ugly, almost maniacal gibberish that burns her eyes. It’s not long into her efforts to learn that she surrenders and retreats back to her contemplation. Quistis’ voice is never heard.

Seifer’s contemptuous sneer continues to surface above everything else, no matter how much she tries to lead her mind elsewhere.

_“Do you really think you belong here?”_

_“No friends, no family, no skills…or even looks. I wonder why you’re still alive.”_

_“Why do you try so hard? You’ll never be good enough.”_

_“It’s not like girls that become SeeDs are worth as much as proper ones, anyway. You’ll always be someone’s secondary—perhaps even last—choice when it comes to usefulness.”_

He hounds her almost every day, looming over her in her moments of solitude, relentless in his pursuit of instant gratification. Miraculous, really, that he hasn’t gotten bored of her yet. She’s certainly bored of him. It’s not even offensive anymore, like when she first showed up to the Garden. All she sees is him trying to hold onto whatever little scrap of ego he has left—most of the other kids refuse to be around him (for good reason). Occasionally he offers biting criticism, but she has to be in a rotten mood in order for that to happen. In fact, many of her peers hurt her more than he does.

She looks up, and Quistis and her are the only ones left.

_Fuck! More embarrassing moments, just what I need…_

She hurries to get herself organized and starts moving, but before she reaches the door, Quistis stops her.

“Everything alright?” she asks, empathy glinting in her eyes. Squall is taken aback by her concern, and before she can even devise a response, Quistis adds, “You look like you haven’t slept at all in the past few days—and I did notice that you weren’t focusing in class. I just didn’t want to embarrass you by calling you out in the middle of class…”

“It’s nothing.” She’s prompted to defend herself when Quistis shoots her a dubious look. “Really, it’s nothing. Besides, why would you care?”

“Why shouldn’t I care?”

“Because…” The older she gets the less and less she wants male attention. Girls are more interesting—they always were, she felt, but her feelings have developed oddly over the last few years. Stuck with a boy and she’ll look for any excuse to stay away, but being stuck with a girl seldom bothers her. Pleases her, even. If pleasure can be equated to the mild alleviation of the emotional numbness that blankets her at all times, that is. But she doesn’t like it because she’s never seen it with other girls, besides the ones that are harassed for who they love or who they’re attracted to. If she ever admitted to her thoughts she’d never rest again—she’d end up like them. Quistis’ empathy just makes her push away, like she’s done whenever someone reaches out to her—she thinks it’ll place her even lower on the rungs of society. She blurts out her default answer when she doesn’t want confrontation. “Whatever.”

She leaves, ignoring Quistis’ eyes never moving off of her.

“You’re pretty cool for a girl.”

“Thanks, Zell.” Even with her voice at her driest he doesn’t pick up what she’s getting at. Typical. She wouldn’t have said anything if he didn’t add the “for a girl” part. Like her gender is an inhibitor or something.

She removes a piece of cloth from one of her jacket’s pockets and wipes the blood off her weapon, trying her hardest to not even so much as glance at him. She should’ve waited until it was night to enter the training grounds…

“I’ve never seen a girl like you before, either.” He freezes when she glowers at him. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?”

He raises a brow, as if he’s trying to look inquisitive. Or maybe suggestive. She isn’t sure which one is worse. “Well, you know…”

“What?”

“Very dude-like. I mean, I thought you were a guy when I first saw you. And ever since you got that scar, well, you’re even more of a guy. You know?”

Absolutely nonsensical. She just rolls her eyes before she navigates to a nearby bench for some rest. A curt thought flashes in her mind when Zell follows her, seating himself on the opposite side: _Dammit._

Squall counts how much time passes before he opens his trap again. One, two, three, four…four minutes. Not even five.

“Soo…you wanna get some hotdogs or something soon? Are ya hungry?”

“How many times have I told you that I hate hotdogs? Every time I’ve eaten one I ended up getting food poisoning.” She doesn’t tell him that what she’s saying is a partial lie. She has a sensitive stomach, but that’s embarrassing and pathetic. It would merely open up more opportunities for people to mock her. “I don’t know how you can keep eating them.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” he says with a childish pout, looking away. “I wanted to know if you were hungry, ‘cause we could…uh, eat…together?” It’s clear to both of them that he sounds absolutely stupid finishing his sentence, as evidenced by his cheeks flushing. She scowls harder as she contemplates whether or not he’s coming onto her. She’s certainly seen boys who have a “taste” for masculine girls, and considering how he described her, like her “masculinity” _fascinates_ him—delightful. Now she has to grapple with the one person who actually seems to like her as she doesn’t reciprocate his feelings.

“I don’t like seeing people eat. And I don’t like people watching me eat. Why don’t you go eat with someone like Selphie?” That’s a match made in hell, but they deserve each other.

“Aw, man, not her!” Zell whines. “She’s too…squeaky! And too girly!” _Too girly, he says. Now I know for sure why he’s hanging around me._ “You’re so much…cooler. You’re not like the others. All the other girls just talk about makeup ‘n clothes ‘n stuff.” _That’s not entirely true…_

She thinks about that one girl who keeps popping up in random parts of the school. She doesn’t know how she gets there or how she’s allowed in, but ever since that one night, that dance…Rinoa. She said her name was Rinoa. Rinoa is annoying, but almost, dare she admit it, in an endearing way. She has some kick to her that’s…charming. She always asks interesting questions, and Squall feels as though she’s one of the few people she can actually talk to for hours. She doesn’t denigrate her or carry an air of superiority or cast judgement until it’s warranted. She seems to respect her as an equal, and for the longest time, Squall never knew what such a feeling was—to be respected.

Zell, on the other hand, is tiring. He can ramble for hours but never listens to her. He can bounce around like he’s constantly medicated and wants to drag her along with his antics even when she’s as lively as a corpse. He can fixate on the pettiest of school drama while she’s trying to explain her perpetual misery. She suspects most of it’s not out of spite, so she doesn’t hate him as much as she can (like Seifer), it’s mostly just cluelessness. She wonders if someone like him can truly change—mature, so to speak.

For the time being, she doubts it. After all, he seems to think he and she can exist as an item.

A lot of boys seem to be like that, unfortunately, even when she’s not the one in question; where the girl is mostly considered a missing half, not a capable individual. Only about relationships if one is a girl and it’s never about her as a human being.

If Zell is tiring, then Selphie is exhausting. She’s like a condensation of all his most obnoxious aspects magnified by a hundred, complete with a voice that can go above frequencies perceivable by the human ear, if she wills it. Squall actively hides from her whenever she can. But sometimes, she’s not fast enough—or not lucky enough, like today where she’s resting in the infirmary wing thanks to a run-in with another T-Rexaur on the training grounds.

When the nurse told her she had a visitor, she secretly hoped it was Rinoa. That was the only person she needed. But instead, her heart fell out of her body the moment the first few letters of Selphie’s name escaped the nurse’s lips.

She bombarded her with a slew of impossible questions right after she entered her room.

“Do ya think those dinosaurs are breeding somewhere? How’d you not notice the thing before it hit you? Do ya think all of them are aggressive like that or is it something to do with this place? Ohmigosh what if the school’s making them somewhere? Like some weird sort of rite of passage thingy that they’re not tellin’ us about? What if they have a secret lab _they’re not telling us about?!_ Do you wanna investigate when you’re done being messed up? What if—”

“Selphie.” Her voice is sharp enough to bring her to a halt. She turns, surprised. “Could you slow yourself down today? I’m not in the mood.”

The abject dejection on Selphie’s face is something that, bizarrely, bothers Squall. It’s something she’s never seen before—and she realizes that she’s never truly seen a miserable Selphie before. It’s pitiful, uncomfortably uncharacteristic, and a small voice in the depths of her mind starts to bring upon the distant pangs of regret. But this is Selphie, why does she care if—then it hits her.

This is a side of her she’s never shown to anyone. A side she actively hides from others until it’s forced out.

“Sorry. I just wanted to talk to you.” Profound, desperate loneliness drips from her words. She looks away, gravitating toward the window on the right side of the room. For a while, they sit in silence, with Selphie pensively staring out the window. Squall wonders what she’s thinking. Then Selphie says, “I don’t really have anyone else, ya know.”

 _Is that why she bothers me all the time?_ After all, she’s never openly rejected her. Without a clear indication that she wasn’t welcome, Selphie followed her around like they were friends.

“And I thought, well, you’re probably lonely—cause I don’t really see you with anyone else a whole lot, minus that one girl…and visitors are always nice…”

“I mean…I guess I was a bit rude.”

Selphie whips her head around, interested. Then she comes to the right side of Squall’s bed. “Does that mean—?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?” Excitement is tangible in her voice. “I have so much to talk about…”

By the time Selphie leaves, Squall feels like a different person. Underneath her unbearable exterior and overwhelming femininity there is someone with knowledge beyond her years. She’s studied animal and monster behavior extensively so she can excel in battle, she’s thought about the intricacies of junctioning and how it affects both parties, and even raised questions on whether or not she’s really satisfied by choosing to become a SeeD. She wonders how often she hides this portion of herself, but she understands why.

People feel threatened when a girl knows her stuff.

Rinoa. Oh, Hyne, Rinoa…

With every moment she spends with her the more difficult it becomes to resist her emotions. With Quistis it was a test (and she’s still a problem since she now tries to talk to her after class—especially since Selphie had hinted that Quistis is _very_ interested in her), but Rinoa is a tribulation. She’s a little airheaded sometimes, occasionally trying to show her affection when others are around. Every time Squall has to remind her she can’t do something like that, for her peers are brutal when it comes to outsiders. They’d never escape from it.

It hurts her far greater than anything else she endures, being unable to openly appreciate the only individual that loves her. But she knows how dangerous it is to step out of line, remembering what happened years ago to two male SeeDs who developed a powerful bond. After enduring many months of abuse from both their peers and their higher ups, for choosing to be with each other, they…disappeared. Wiped clean off the face of the planet and without warning. Some students still make mentions of them today, often paired with their own pet conspiracy theories on what happened.

Squall is too jaded to think up anything fantastical. Most likely, the garden they belonged to had disposed of them once they outlived their usefulness.

That alone is enough to keep her on the edge.

On a night where they’re alone in her dorm, safe in her bedroom and on her terrible bed, Rinoa asks her about what she wants to do when—or if—she ever retires. It’s in that moment she realizes she’s never seen a future where she could live with her in peace. When she admits it, Rinoa’s distress only makes her feel worse.

“You don’t think you’ll be stuck with them forever, do you?” she says, frowning. “Constantly fighting and killing until you die…that’s not living—there’s more to life than what you know.”

“It’s not like I want to be stuck. It’s just…where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do?” Her heart hurts, she sounds so pathetic. Without her title as a SeeD she is nothing. “Rinoa, I don’t…I don’t have a lot. I don’t even…” She’s about to admit that she really doesn’t know who she is. Such a thought is concentrated primal fear, and before she thinks about it any longer she pushes it into the deepest recesses of her mind. But the words slipped too much, and now Rinoa is even more concerned.

“You don’t what? Squall, it’s okay to tell me—”

“No, no. I never said anything. Just forget about it.” The fear bites back. _Like how I’ve forgotten myself…_ She looks away, slouching on her bed even more, the subsequent creaks inciting anxiety to stir within her. Something begins to prick her eyes—tears. She hasn’t cried in so long, crying is humiliating, and it has to happen right now when she’s with the only person that matters—

“Oh, are you—it’s alright if you are, you know—”

“No it’s not,” she blurts, then she relents, it’s too much to process at all. The numbness she’s known had been decaying for years, a rotting barricade, and now this night of her nothingness is the last push it needs to break down. She tries to pull away when Rinoa embraces her, but she needs her warmth now more than ever and she lets herself be held. Amidst her stifled sobs, she manages to choke out, for her guilt for crying at all, “I’m sorry.”

Rinoa holds her tighter. Her voice is soft. “Don’t be.”

They don't let go of each other for a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> umm this fic came from my wish that more genderbending focused on the social implications that come with being a different gender (especially if a male is now female). just sayin that character interactions would change/develop differently because of social structures and being "assigned" to a specific social stratum and then treated accordingly - especially if in the canonical work misogyny/sexism is addressed!  
> idk i think genderbending fics have interesting exploration potential but not a lot of people delve into that, which i think is a travesty...


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